A Poem

The Most Convenient Way
by Ronnie Burt

i love her style.
but so worth it.
haha, that's my girl.

happy happy days.
i am craving some sunshine.
i am excited about my new running shoes.
and you eat with your sunglasses on

doesn't she look like lucy from chronicles of narnia?
back in a few days
my happy little life
where you can get great steak and shrimp

i told cate about st. patrick's day and ireland
she has a lot of irish ancestors through me.
ps- did i say i would sew this past saturday?
i meant next saturday! haha!

it was super delicious.
and a delicious coke.

i think that packages stacked all over the house
are a nice decorative touch
happy things!

and the fact that she's 31 makes me happy to be 31.
cate was so happy she began yelling
"let's give a hand to springtime!
let's give a hand to the world, for everything it can do!!"

i am determined to get the house clean so i can relax and sew tomorrow.
and you are happy.
i love that she's an expert knitter and yet chooses to create very simple pieces;
there's a tiny restaurant.

really, cate is also mexican,
japanese,
native american,
swiss,
and a lot more
- a true american -

so we actually have a lot of family history travelling to do,
but i really love the romantic beauty of ireland,
and have always been drawn to that part of the world.
plus i really love corned beef.

my sister and hair stylist, coco,
is coming to utah county once again
to meet our hair needs.

How Can I Maintain This?!?

There's two weeks left in my commitment to post thrice weekly, and I've become increasingly more horrible at getting it done on time. It's 12:32am on Sunday Night. I had a great idea for my post and started writing it, but I'm just way too tired to get it done...

The word that continues to come to my mind is resolute.

resolute: marked by firm determination

I'm not acting resolute, but I feel resolute. Almost like it's on the verge of exploding, just waiting to take over. I could use some resolve. Most of the time, when I determine to carry through with something, I stick to my guns. But in this instance, I'm anxious. And the funny thing about this post is this:

You have no clue what I'm talking about. You might be thinking, "Oh I know what Dan needs resolve for, because I'm so close to him and I know what he's going through."

But you don't know. Not only have I not told anyone about this, it has nothing remotely close to anything I have even shared with anyone. No one knows what I'm talking about. Only me. And that's funny cause that makes this post completely private even though it's on the world wide web.

And I think I can do it. I am resolute.

Once again I feel the copper sweat of clinging change.

Mates of State - Get Better

I like Mates of State...

I was trying to think of a Christmas present for Amanda. I wanted to buy her a CD so I asked Melissa for some suggestions, cause she has pretty good taste in music. Nothing was standing out to me, and time was running out. Melissa wasn't around for more suggestions so I looked on her facebook and tried listening to different bands in her favorites list. When I came upon Mates of State, I was done!

Instantly I fell in love with their songs. I went to the nearest HMV and thankfully found their newest album and bought it for Amanda. I then went home and bought it for myself on iTunes. So good!

The funny thing about that is...Melissa hadn't even heard the new cd, she only knew their older stuff. Turns out their sound has matured, naturally. So what Melissa was recommending unconsciously through facebook, wasn't even what I bought. Funny little accident in my opinion.

Before Christmas I went and visited Lesley on the island. This was just after I had gotten this album, so I was listening to it a lot. Whenever I visit Lesley it's like taking a violent roller coaster ride through my psyche. Think Willy Wonka, but the ride lasts longer than 5 minutes.


So many of these songs were sparking feelings in me, especially "Get Better." The line that continued to stand out:

Everything's gonna get lighter, even if it never gets better

I didn't really understand what it meant, but it was planting itself deep inside me. And today I get it (at least I think I do).

Another line is:

I propose a less serious boat

Sometimes you need to stop taking things so seriously. And as a result things might not get better, but they will be lighter. Which is what I need right now. I need everything to get lighter, even if it never gets better.

Charlie: This is kinda strange.
Grandpa: Yes. Strange, Charlie, but it's fun! Haha!

MSN

Either most of my friends have stopped using MSN

OR

Most of my friends have blocked me on MSN

I have 41 people in my contacts and I usually only see the same 3 people every once in awhile.

(And is it weird that most people call it MSN when that's the name of the company that made it?)

I used to use MSN so much, but have hardly been using it now that most of my friends aren't online anymore. Maybe it's because my friends are actually getting a life, and I'm just a little slow on that bandwagon. I think it's overrated, but I'm in the process of giving it a shot for a change.

So are you blocking me on MSN or have you just stopped using it?

*it's been spring break the last couple weeks for my youth and it's completely messing up my schedule. i didn't really get my usual day off this week AND i completely forgot to post on Wednesday. sorry about that, I'll post again tomorrow to make up for it!

Regret

Amy recently asked me if there was anything I regret...

Is there?

Yeah, there is. I'd like to say no there isn't, because I wouldn't be who I am today without everything that came before this time (the beautiful and the ugly). Yet, I do feel regret, even though I don't like it.

I've been going through my old journals again and of course it rehashes old feelings. Mostly I am ashamed of most of the things I've written. So I contemplate, "Should I throw away some of these pages?" I really want to. I want to destroy them, to cast them into the abyss where no living soul will ever see what I've done or what I've been (or still am).

But

I

CAN'T.

why??

The Weeds in the Wheat! The Weeds in the Wheat.

I cannot pull out the weeds without ruining the wheat. They are intertwined.
You just don't see it ;)
I try REALLY hard to hide the weeds.

And that's why I am reserved and cautious. I don't want you to see the weeds, the weeds that I can't pull and burn.

So I tuck them under my hat and hope you don't notice.

I hate wearing hats.

Actually I have gotten kinda comfortable with some of my dirty laundry flapping in the wind. Some I have outright embraced! And I'm so thankful for that freedom...and I look forward to complete freedom.

It's coming, I can feel it!

I'm Going To Hell For This

"I'm going to hell for this"

Sometimes I find myself saying that in my head. As I ponder decisions I've made or am going to make I often say, "I am going to hell for this." I don't really know when I started saying it or even why I started saying it. It just comes out.

So obviously it means I'm not comfortable with my decision and that I will face some sort of punishment for it. Or does it???


Yesterday I realized perhaps I am misinterpreting my self-conscious. Or perhaps I have decided to force my self-conscious to change its attitude. Even though I say the exact same sentence, I discovered it can mean two different things. And the difference is the outcome.

With the first meaning, the outcome is punishment. The choices I have made or will be making are the wrong ones and I know it and I will face punishment for them.

Because I did THIS (made a choice and acted on it)
I am now GOING TO HELL (to face final judgment and punishment for my actions)

OR...

The second (and now preferred) meaning has the outcome of reward. The choices I have made or will be making will cause suffering, BUT it is worth it.

I am GOING TO HELL (willfully choosing to suffer as a result of my actions)
For the sake of THIS (something worthy that requires one to go through hell in order to receive it)


Which is precisely what Jesus did. He looked at the world and his people and said, "I'm going to hell for this." In the Garden of Gethsemane when he saw the choices before him, he chose hell, because there was no other way to bring about shalom and restoration.


Okay, so this got me thinking a little, and this could possibly be terribly heretical. It certainly isn't biblical (that I can think of). What if Eve and Adam made the right choice? What if God was saying, "If you want freedom and intelligence, you must go through hell first."? SO they could have chosen to live brainless, robot lives but instead chose a deeper life. One that required them to suffer a great cost.

Kinda like the Matrix???


"Eve, this is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill - the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill - you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes."

And look at Cypher's attitude...


"I know what you're thinking, 'cause right now I'm thinking the same thing. Actually, I've been thinking it ever since I got here: Why oh why didn't I take the BLUE pill?"

Haven't we all thought at one point, "I wish they hadn't eaten from the tree!" All this mess could have been avoided if they had obeyed one simple command. But is that the life you really want? Perhaps before eating from the tree, everything was a mindless, ignorant bliss. But after the tree, our eyes were opened!

Maybe it wasn't a fall, but instead a leap.


I'm going to hell for this.

Kings of Leon

I've known about Kings of Leon for awhile, but I've never heard any of their songs. They're big in England so I would often hear about them on the Ricky Gervais Show. Well, now they're finally getting big over here, which is weird because they're from America. I always assumed they were from England, cause I never heard anything about them here.

Well anywho, I am currently addicted to these two songs. I think it's almost time for me to really give them a chance.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JCZfJ5ai07U

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HHhhcKxflMY

The Finish Line

Last night I finally did it! I have now seen ALL 52 HITCOCK MOVIES!!!!! Can you believe he pretty much made a movie every year? That's incredible. A big thanks to Amy, Megan, and Phil for helping me watch the last 5 movies during Lent!!!

Of the last batch that I saw, some were really good. Some were absolutely horrible. For those who care, these are my favorites of the ones I just watched:


The Lodger
The first and best silent movie I have ever seen.


The Farmer's Wife
A silent romantic comedy! Who woulda thunk?!?


Rebecca
I guess it won the Best Picture Oscar for a reason.


The Paradine Case
So much depth, I loved it!


Downhill
Loyal to the end.

These ones were the most painful:


Number Seventeen
In my opinion, the worst Hitchcock movie! The sets were so lame, the editing was terrible, oh everything about this movie was a mess (athough the trains at the end were pretty cool).


The Man Who Knew Too Much
I like the remake so much more than this one. The acting and the pace was pretty awful here.


The Ring
Supposedly a great Hitchcock movie, but it bored me and the plot really pissed me off.


Easy Virtue
I change my mind...THIS is the worst Hitchcock movie!!! Number Seventeen actually was intriguing cause it was so weird, but this one was soooo boring. What a sad movie that just leaves you feeling empty.

These ones were surprisingly better than I thought they would be:


Juno and the Paycock
Supposedly a terrible Hitchcock movie, due to the thick Irish accents. However, I found it easier to understand than some of his other movies PLUS I loved the characters.


Skin Game
Also got bad reviews, but I thought it was entertaining.


Murder!
A nice little murder mystery that even involved homosexuality! Very interesting for a film from the 1920s.


Waltzes from Vienna
Hitchcock's only musical, and I loved the music! Plus it was a cute story.


The Manxman
A true tragedy. The lesson? Always tell the truth sooner than later.

Gargon!!!

So youth on Wednesday, we started to play Gargon. Simple enough game, run around trying to find flashlight pieces without getting caught by the Gargon. Except, within the first two minutes the Gargon was put out of commission. You see, I was the Gargon, and this is my story.

I had been chasing a few kids around the church, trying not to overexert myself because I know how out of shape I am. Standard stuff running up and down the halls, etc, when I decided to go down into the sanctuary to tag some more kids. I ran down the stairs and saw some of my prey, so when I hit the bottom of the stairs I turned quickly to make a hard right. That's when my ankle twisted and *POP*...I crumpled to the ground in pain.

I could still rotate my ankle so I figured nothing was broken, but it was still quite painful. As I'm lying on the ground writhing in pain some of the youth stopped to ask how I was. For most of them though, they just kept playing the game. I could hear them running by me trying to find the flashlight pieces. Unbelievably most of the youth that stopped to talk to me didn't ask how I was, but instead asked me for clarifications on the rules of the game. Like I really care about the game anymore!!! Don't they see that the main person in the game, the Gargon, is in terrible agony on the floor??!? Crazy.

So I gave the Gargon duties to someone else while I iced my foot. While I was sitting there, I thought, "So should I still do the lesson for tonight? Should I go to the hospital? I don't know what to do here." So I decided to leave the youth to just keep playing and went to the hospital. I was starting to feel nauseous and I wanted to start the long wait in the emergency room sooner than later.

I've never gone to emergency in Ladner before. I was hoping it would be a short wait like all my times at the Mission hospital, but no, I was there for quite awhile. It was an hour before I actually got into the ER. Then it was another hour before they took the x-rays. And then the doctor came and told me the news.

Mumble mumble, FRACTURE, mumble. I could hardly hear what she said. "Oh man," I thought, "Am I going to get a cast?!" Then she said, "It's only a sprain." Huh??? I think she must have said earlier that it's not a fracture. Oh well, haha, so she said a nurse would come and put a tensor bandage on it. Guess how long that took? About 45 minutes. I was so tempted to just go home and do it myself, but I wasn't sure if there were anymore instructions for me. Anywho, she bandaged me up and away I went.

Yesterday it didn't hurt much and was hardly bruised. Today the bruise has grown bigger and bigger throughout the day. Stupid thing. Now I'm walking around with a crutch so I don't put too much pressure on it.

And to think, I almost had my first cast!!!

Expression...

I am so limited.
I am boxed in,
tied down,
wired wrong,
cramped,
uncoordinated,
disabled,
deficient.

In life, I am probably most frustrated by my inability to communicate and fully express what is going on in my mind, heart, and soul. I have such a vivid and rich imagination, but it is incredibly difficult for me to convey that to others.

I want to write with eloquence.
I want to paint with brilliance.
I want to sing with passion.
I want to dance with music (rather than against it).
I want to speak with clarity.
I want to create films with depth.
I want to photograph with fresh perspective.
I want to play an instrument with precision.
I want to act with veracity.
I want to live and love without fear.

sigh.

Another Group Photo Session

The serious pose.


The smiling pose. Aren't we beautiful??


Shane distracts the guys while Jordan fixes his hair.


Fun photo time. I look like I'm cowering from Jordan for some reason!


The official fun photo (it went downhill from here, not sure if we got those photos)

This weekend was the Surge retreat at Stillwood Camp. It was sweet! The speaker was rough and to the point, which was excellent I think. Stillwood Idol was a smash success, as always! And I woke up this morning feeling refreshed and relaxed...probably the first time in Stillwood history for me! We did sleep through breakfast, but because of the time change it wasn't that different from previous years. In fact, I was the first one out of bed! I'm almost always the last.

Starting with supper last night I didn't eat any meat (I find the Stillwood food makes me so gassy) and even for supper tonight I didn't have any meat (not really by choice, just happened that way). Anyways, this is the first time I've tried avoiding the meats at Stillwood, and I feel really good! Maybe that's why I woke up refreshed, and now I'm still feeling refreshed!

But on a deeper note, God really spoke to the youth this week (not sure how much everyone got out of it though) and he really spoke to me as well, which was much needed. Thanks again God, oh man, you are so Great and Awesome!!!

Fascinating

Here are a few of my most used words/phrases:

Fascinating
That's interesting
What'd you call me?
That's funny
Dog Biscuit
Dang it
What a pity
Until next time
That's crazy
For sure
Unbelievable
Sweet
Sick
That's sick
Cool
Hello
Shhhhh

Did I miss any?

Thoughts on Thinking

I love living in my head.

I could sit for hours and hours and just think. Sometimes I do that. Often when I wake up in the morning I just lie in bed and think. When I take a shower after I'm done cleaning myself I just stand there under the water and think. I've come to like driving because I can just sit and think.


I don't really like doing stuff. Well, obviously I do like it, but not all the time. I have to force myself to do stuff usually. Even silly things like going to the grocery store. Why do I not like going to the grocery store? I like shopping, especially for movies and video games, but I don't like shopping for food? I really don't get it. Actually I think it's because I know I'm going to have to haul all those bags of food, and that's what I don't like doing.


I don't like cleaning things up, even though it's really easy, and I could easily think while I do it. I've been flossing quite regularly the last 9 months and some nights I think, "Oh I'm too tired. I'm just going to go to bed without flossing!" But then when I really think about it, flossing takes no mental energy. I could just stand there and think (which I like to do) while it takes me a minute to floss. This is my latest way to trick my body into doing things. If it's mindless I just have to tell myself, "You can think while you do this, and it's relatively easy, so you might as well do it instead of doing nothing and thinking."


This is why I love movies, tv, music, and the computer so much. I can just sit there and basically let my brain do all the work. But am I me or am I my brain? Who's in charge?

I like jobs that put my brain to work, but I actually would prefer to have a job that was half-mindless and half-mindful. That's a good balance for me. I find this job is more mindful and it drives me batty sometimes.


I really do enjoy my body, and I'm so thankful for the life that God has given me. I am extremely grateful for all the senses I've gotten to experience, yet I love thinking so much and I love being able to stop and ponder the essence of life...

I Apologize

So last night I went to write my weekly Sunday post, when I realized my landlords changed the password for their wireless and didn't tell me. At that time it was too late to ask because they were sleeping already. So...I'm sorry I didn't post last night when I said I would!!!

But let me tell you about my full weekend, ok?

Friday -
Pick up Phil from the ferry
Hang out with him at the church while I do some work
Play some video games with the youth
Haul three couches downstairs
Play "Couch on the Run" with the youth (dragging couches around town taking pics)
Upload all the pics onto my computer at McDs
Haul the couches back upstairs
Go home and sleep

Saturday -
Sleep in
Fix the handle on my toilet
Watch "The Man Who Knew Too Much" with Phil (he hated it!)
Drive to Bellingham with Phil and 2 guys I don't know (who were cool)
Eat at the Old Country Buffet (yum!)
Drive to some random guys house
Stand outside the door cause another guy said we couldn't go in
Have a lineup form behind us as the door opens and some guy says, "You can come in!" like we're idiots...
Meet David Bazan
Sit in the corner of a crowded room with 45 other people as David Bazan plays the guitar and sings for us
Hang out while Phil flirts with David
Drive home and stop at a gas station to get Red Vines
Realize the highway on-ramp is blocked and drive to the other border crossing (which had a wait time of 20 mins)
Go home and sleep

Sunday -
Wake up at 8am to get ready for Sunday School
Drive to the church and play guitar with Phil
Teach Sunday School
Do the announcements and dismiss the kids, then pray for the offering
Eat lunch then drive Phil to the ferry
Lead the Extended Care Unit service at the hospital with the youth
Get my headphones that I forgot at home
Miss my bus to Vancouver
Catch the next bus and listen to some Ricky Gervais
Meet up with my brothers at GM Place
Watch the Canucks dominate the Blue Jackets
Catch the bus home
Eat some Subway
Watch an episode of Midsomer Murders with Amy
Discover I have no internet acces
Go to sleep