Kortney II

The other day a friend of mine said, "I was looking at your blog the other day and there was this girl commenting on your site. She's hot! I thought that you should go out with her, but then I went to her blog and found out she was married. Sorry Dan!"


Hopefully by blurring the eyes I'm protecting you (you'll understand as you read on)

Yeah, we did have a little thing going for awhile there, but I realized something about her hotness. When we would have marathon make-out sessions, 8-10 hours at a time, I would sometimes stop to look at her (cause she's so hot), and I would feel something inside me, but I couldn't quite explain it. It was like, she's so awesome to look at, and it's making me feel funny inside. Well, it wasn't until she broke my heart by cheating on me with that Russian immigrant that I realized what was really going on.

I soon discovered that everytime I looked at her my heart was slowly turning to stone! I didn't quite know how to explain it until that day she walked out on me and I crumpled to the floor. Why? Because my heart was so heavy...like a stone! Looking at her turned my heart to STONE!!!

Don't believe me? I went online and found this miracle doctor who took out my heart and replaced it with a new one. All for 3 easy payments of $19.95 (oh, and one complicated payment). Here is scientific proof that Kortney turned my heart to STONE just by looking at her:


The surgery was on the beach


Subsequently, the new heart I got was from a mysterious donor. But oddly enough I can't stop thinking of Minnie Driver?!? Maybe I have her dead husband's old heart and one day she will "return to me" ;) (That one was for you Teresa!)

Now, I try not to look at Kortney, in case my new heart will also be turned to stone. Once I was driving down the road, and I'm not sure if it was her or not, but I looked over at the car beside me and I'm sure it was Kortney behind the wheel. I freaked out, because I was not expecting to see her, and I didn't want my heart to turn to stone. So I quickly ducked and proceeded to drive into oncoming traffic where I smashed into an ice cream truck. Thankfully, the guy was still alive and he gave me some free ice cream while we waited for the ambulance.


Another time I was at Colossus in Langley with some friends, when over their shoulder I happened to see Kortney with the guy who married her (it should have been me!!!).


I freaked out, because, like I've said before, whoever looks at her will have their hearts turn to STONE! I quickly turned around and pulled my hood over my head. I begged and pleaded with my friends to help me. "If you see her coming this way," I mumbled anxiously, "please let me know so I can always face my back to her in case she walks by." My friends were very good to me and helped me out. What they didn't realize was that as a result of looking at Kortney for me, they all had their hearts turned to stone. Sorry pals...

So if you see Kortney, I believe there's a 5 second rule. And it's accumulative. That means if you see her for 2 seconds, the next time you look you only have 3 more seconds even if it's like 20 years down the road. Just pray you don't use up those 5 secs while you're still young and healthy.

Sweet dreams.