Kortney III

"Oh great, not another Kortney post..."

Sorry, but for all my avid readers out there, I'm sure you're as perplexed as I am by the comment left by Kortney not too long ago on one of my posts. For those who don't know, Kortney and I have had quite the checkered past. The best way to understand our relationship is with analogies:

Kortney is to Dan as:
The Joker is to Batman
Tonya Harding is to Nancy Kerrigan
Yoko is to The Beatles
Richard Simmons is to David Letterman
George W. Bush is to America
The Mule is to The Spinning Wheel

Here is the aforementioned quote:

kortney said: "I don't even know what to think of you right now."

What could I have done to illicit such a reaction you wonder??!? Well, perhaps it was because I removed her from my links. That's not surprising though, because I never read her blog (does anyone?).


Or maybe, just maybe, it's because I saw her at McDonald's the other day...and I probably should have said hi, BUT, lo and behold, much to my surprise, SHE'S PREGNANT!!! So of course, I was shocked and speechless, how could this happen? I mean, could this child be mine??? Why didn't she tell me sooner? I know she's married and all, but aren't girls pregnant for like 4 years or something before they give birth. In any case, if she got pregnant 3 yrs, 4 months, 7 days, and 5 hours ago I definitely have reason to be concerned!!! Oh wait, can you even get pregnant from biting someone's lip? I really wish I hadn't passed out in Sex Ed.


So I don't know what to do now...thankfully the Maury Show is really keen to hear our story. So hopefully next week, if Kortney is willing, we'll be flying down to get a paternity test. I can't believe I might be a dad, but secretly I'm hoping for "you are NOT the father". Then I'll jump up and run around the stage high-fiving everyone. Oh, I'm so happy we can finally work out our differences with all you Channel M viewers out there! Cross your fingers friends, and make sure to tune in Sept 7th at 1pm.

The Top Three - Part Five

I know it's been awhile and the suspense has been killing you all, so I finally present my top three movies of the summer!!! And I should note I saw X-Files after I started the list (and I think I'd probably put it between Wanted and Indy).

Drumroll Please....

11. The Incredible Hulk

10. Hancock

09. Wanted

08. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

07. The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian

06. Get Smart

05. Iron Man

04. Speed Racer


Can You Guess The Top Three Before Scrolling Down????






















03. The Dark Knight

The Dark Knight as number 3?!?!? Bet that shocked a lot of you. Of course it's in the top 3 because it truly was a sweet movie, but why number 3? Well, let's talk about it's merits first.

I love Christopher Nolan, that guy is one of my favorite directors. The Batman movies have been so much more than just a comic book adaptation since he took over. He has made the stories much deeper and I love it. Also, Christian Bale is a sweet Batman, although I think he's better as Bruce Wayne then as Batman...loved him as the rich playboy (but with his lips and teeth it's pretty obvious he's batman).

The thing that made the movie, though, without a doubt, as every agrees with me...Heath Ledger as the Joker was absolutely incredible!!! As you know I love creepy and wow, he was a psycho! His laugh, the way he walked, his lack of regard for anything...so beautiful. Like Daniel Plainview from There Will Be Blood this was a character I could just sit and watch for hours. I miss the Joker, and I am crushed that I will never get to see him like this again.

Rumours are flying around of Johnny Depp as the Riddler, or Angelina Jolie as Catwoman??? Interesting choices...

So what didn't I like about the movie, why only #3??? Well, for starters, everything was waaaaay too convenient. Of course, that's a comic book movie for you, but I don't know, just gets on my nerves. How in the world did the Joker pull off all the stunts he did in such a short amount of time, and without getting noticed no less??? Same with Batman...

I didn't really like the batmobile. Okay, it was pretty cool, but when his chair would shift down and he would slide under to operate the missles...why?!? That whole thing was just a waste of time in my opinion. It wasn't cool and not at all practical. So I didn't like that, and then, oh great, now his car has broken apart into a motorbike. That makes a whole lot of sense! So dumb...and what was with the whole riding on the wall, flipping around, and stopping maneuver. So stupid!

As much as I love Christopher Nolan, the fight scenes were pathetic. Not much happening there and what did happen wasn't really fun to watch. I hope he doesn't do anymore Batman movies cause they are the weakest of his movies in my opinion.

So I loved the movie cause it was super entertaining, the Joker was one of my favorite characters of all time, I loved the plot and the storyline, and it wasn't too ridiculous as comic book movies tend to be. But I didn't like the fight scenes that much, thought maybe it was a little too long, and some things were still ridiculous and way too convenient.

Yet I saw it twice in the theatre, which does not happen very often for me!!!



02. The Happening

"Are you serious Dan????? The Happening beat the Dark Knight in the top three??? And what is it even doing in the top three????????" Seriously, people hate this movie, and I can understand why, but I think M. Night Shyamalan is just making movies for me, because I absolutely loved it!

I'll admit though, I didn't like Lady in the Water, so I was worried, especially with everyone hating on this one. But it paid off for me in a big way. I loved how random this movie was. So many things happen which are completely shocking and out of the blue. I love that type of stuff. The fate of the boys yelling in the cabin? Sweet! The old lady? Priceless! I think they should have called this movie WTF? cause that's how I felt the whole movie, and that's why I loved it! Others hated it for that reason, but I thought it was fun and interesting.

I agree the dialogue was hurting at points and some of the choices were weird, like with John Leguizamo's character?! But I loved Mark Wahlberg and Zooey Deschanel. I loved their relationship. I agree I didn't really buy Wahlberg as a teacher, but if you ignore that I thought he was really funny and perfect as the lead.

I especially loved the themes and the plot. My take on the movie was it was all about love. How Elliot always gave up everything for Alma but she never really loved him the same way back. So the movie comes to the climax when they have to make a choice. Do we go out into the open where everyone is dying, just to be with each other one last time? Are we willing to risk death to be together? Will we give up everything to be together? And they both do it, and it's at that moment that the phenomenon ceases.

So what really was happening? I love that for the first time, M. Night doesn't give an explanation. The implication is that it's an environmental phenomenon, but it's left open at the end. We don't really know what's going on, and there's no M. Night twist to wrap it up in a nice package. Instead it's really just a MacGuffin (which really should have been the case in Signs).

And this movie just came at the right time for me. I was having kind of a stressful night, and worrying about certain things, but after seeing this movie I left with a new perspective and a really good feeling about my situation.



01. Wall-E

This movie was perfect...I only have one complaint. I just wish the humans looked more like humans. Everything else looks real, but then when humans enter the picture it kinda pops the bubble a bit.

Otherwise, what an amazing love story! All the little moments with Eve were so cute. You know, I don't really want to say anymore cause I'll ruin it. Just see it yourself. One of my favorite movies of all time...

The Two I Didn't Expect To Impress - Part Four

My Summer Movie Countdown Continues...


11. The Incredible Hulk


10. Hancock


09. Wanted


08. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull


07. The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian


06. Get Smart


05. Iron Man

I was incredibly reluctant to go see this movie, but I was hearing such positive things about it! I think I was mainly turned off because Dennis told me he hated it...so I just wasn't gung ho. But I love Jon Favreau and I was super curious to see what he would do with a comic book movie (btw, has anyone here seen Zathura?!?). So I finally brought myself to go see it...and I absolutely loved it!!! But can I really pinpoint what I liked about it?? I'm not sure...nothing REALLY stands out to me, but I'll try and give some of my favorite aspects:

Robert Downey Jr. is incredible in this role. I've heard a number of people say this movie wouldn't have been good without him, and I think I agree. He brought such an amazing personality and humour to the role. A job well done in my books! I like Robert Downey Jr. now that I think of it. There aren't many movies he stars in that I don't like (oh wait, Incredible Hulk!).

Well, overall it's just a really fun movie. The action is great, the humour like I said is great, the characters are great. I really enjoyed the evolution of the suit and it made me feel like a real part of that experience (that sounds geeky...but I guess I am so?). Also, I like the direction they went with the villain/villains. You know, it really is hard to clearly say why I liked this movie. I enjoyed the whole experience and didn't look at my watch once...that says a lot coming from me.


04. Speed Racer

Speed Racer??!? Are you kidding me, Dan????? You LIKED Speed Racer?!?!?

Oh boy, I loved it!!! And the thing was, I totally didn't think it would work. I love the Wachowski Brothers and I was curious to see what they would pull off. I didn't watch any previews so I had no real prior knowledge of what the story was about or anything. But I heard things, a lot of negative things. Even my main man Roger Ebert wasn't too impressed with it:

"They have captured (almost) all the chintziness, inexpressiveness and incoherence of the TV show in two hours and nine minutes, or about two hours too long, give or take."

Oh Ebert, that's harsh! Others made comments like the dialogue was horrendous, the plot was too complicated for a kid's movie, yada yada yada. And all my friends were saying, why do you want to go see that?!?! But I did go, I plowed through all the criticism and negative reviews and had to see it for myself...

And once again, I LOVED IT!!!! Visually it was incredible, most people will agree with me there. The design, the colours, the cgi, the action, it was spectacular! But as I followed the plot and listened to the dialogue I couldn't get what people were whining about. I thought it was excellent. I really enjoyed every minute of it.

And of course, how could you go wrong with Matthew Fox??!? I am so smitten by that guy, it's not good...he was awesome in this movie!

I must admit, I was worried about the ending...as the movie came closer and closer to the end I couldn't help but think, "If this ending doesn't pay off, I think it'll ruin the movie for me." Because really, it's a loooong movie, and as you're nearing the end all you can think is, 'This is going to end like every other racing movie..." But I tell ya, the ending took me by surprise. Now I don't want to spoil it for you (even though I don't think you really care, haha), but I'm going to tell you what I loved about it. If you're like me, I'd recommend not reading the next few lines. M. Night Shyamalan has this way of ending movies where all of a sudden the twist comes up, and it's usually the same. Something climactic is happening and then the main character has a flashback which either reveals to us something hidden, or sparks a past memory that fits in with what's going on. The music is kinda dreamy and the atmosphere usually puts you on the edge of your seat. Other movies end this way as well (murder mysteries for example). Well, this movie took that concept and tweaked it. At the end as Speed Racer is nearing the finish line, he begins to reminisce in this flashback style, but it's not like a twist ending. Instead, time slows down as he remembers all the best moments of his life...his racing, his parents, his brother, his girlfriend...he focuses on all the reasons he has for living. Hmm, I just can't capture it with words, but it took my breath away. It was such a heartfelt conclusion to the race.

So yeah, I think this movie was superbly made. I loved all the dilemmas Speed had to wrestle with in his life as a racer. What more can I say, this film swept me off my feet!

Next Post: The Top Three - Part Five
Maybe you can guess what the top three are...but can you also guess the order???